There are many lists of questions for couples to ask each other before marriage, and they are worth working through together. This guide is about the other half: the questions to ask yourself, alone, honestly, before you ask anyone else anything.
None of these questions has a right answer. An uncomfortable answer is not a verdict on your relationship. It is information, and information is far easier to work with before a wedding than after it.
Why you want this
- What does marriage mean to me, apart from the person I am marrying?
- Am I choosing this person, or choosing to stop being alone?
- What do I hope will change after we marry, and what do I hope will stay the same?
- If nobody I know would ever find out, would I still want this?
What you bring with you
Everyone arrives with a model of marriage they did not choose: the one they grew up watching.
- What did my parents’ relationship teach me about love, and about conflict?
- Which of their patterns do I already notice in myself?
- What do I do when I feel hurt: withdraw, argue, explain, apologise?
- What part of my past am I hoping this relationship will make up for?
How you handle difficulty
- When we disagree, do I want to understand, or to win?
- How do I behave when I am under stress, and how does my partner experience that?
- What does money mean to me: safety, freedom, status, love?
- Is there anything I avoid raising because I am afraid of the answer?
What you expect without saying it
The expectations that cause the most pain are usually the ones nobody said out loud, because each person assumed the other already shared them.
- Who do I assume will do what at home?
- What do I expect about children, and about when?
- Where do I imagine us living in ten years?
- Whose career do I assume comes first when the two pull against each other?
- How much time together, and how much apart, do I need to feel like myself?
Who you are becoming
- Do I like who I am when I am with this person?
- Which parts of me grow in this relationship, and which parts go quiet?
- What do I want to keep for myself, whatever happens?
When an answer is uncomfortable
Write it down rather than pushing it away. Then ask what it is really about: an old fear, an unspoken need, or something you have been seeing for a while. Some answers resolve once they are said aloud to your partner. Some need longer, and some deserve to be talked through with someone you trust.
If you want to go further than a list, bring the question to Ruta. Write what is on your mind in your own words, and Ruta will ask one question at a time, following your answers rather than a script, and end with what it found: the pattern it noticed and one next step. If you have messages or letters you may share, Ruta can also read the people in them, so you can see the relationship from more than one side.
The aim is not certainty. It is to marry knowing what you are choosing.